5 things I learned as an emotionally struggling new parent
Whether becoming a parent was planned to perfection or a massive undertaking, we all begin by bringing a new life into this world. Then they completely take over.
If we let them. You are still a person after all.
For some taking the next few steps of caring for a child can feel more natural, but odds are you are struggling in some way. You might not be sleeping enough but getting by with friends and family. Or there may have been health complications for you or the baby.
I know it's cliche, to say nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent but it took me a while to realize that other parents could never hope to prepare you no matter how many questions you ask. Every experience is different, every child is different. Your situation is unique.
I can remember feeling alone or lost for the first few months after becoming a mother. I did not ease into it naturally or effortlessly. Almost everything I have done or set my mind to do I have been successful at with the first few tries generally. This was different. Motherhood shook up my world because there was constant change, and I couldn't keep a schedule or a routine down. Most frustrating though, there was no right answer to my one burning question.
How do I get my life in balance again?
It has now been a few years, and I am a completely different person. These are the things that helped me along the way. Hopefully, these lessons can help you too.
1. Include your partner in everything as much as possible
When a child enters the mix, it is easy to feel totally isolated at first, but if you are in a committed relationship you still have each other.
To be true partners that support each other through the highs and the lows sometimes means taking the difficult step of realizing you need a little extra support. For someone fiercely independent and introverted, being open about my struggle did not come naturally. In fact by the time I did so it was so long into a bout of postpartum depression my world was spiraling and I did not realize what was happening to me.
Being supportive comes in many forms as new parents. If you are lucky, you are also equal. You may not be equal in parenting ability or style in the beginning, but you both need to put in equal effort on your journey towards becoming the parents you want to be.
2. Your life is no longer just about you or your partner, but you need to find a balance that keeps you sane
If you are fortunate enough to be in a loving relationship, you need to really lean into that. There are obvious ways, like taking turns with bottles, diapers, and putting the baby down for a nap so one of you can catch a breather. But the most important thing is not letting your patterns of thinking fall into these tasks as you or your partner just pitching in, or that tone of you is not an equal partner. Sure, if you can breastfeed or work hours are crazy, this will change the balance, but you must find ways to bond and care for the baby together and separately to help become more comfortable in your new roles.
Finding a balance between your needs, your partners, and your children is learning to know when to bend and stand firm in the right moments so everyone's needs are met.
Take turns. It is a relief when you have someone to take over for you during a difficult time
3. If you are not adapting well, reach out for help, you are not alone.
No one reacts the same to becoming a parent, and we all need to make sure we are doing ok and checking in with others.
Sometimes all you need is to just get out of the house. When you have a new baby it is easy to let yourself take the easy way and just stay home and sit on the couch. Let’s face it, you are exhausted from all the new things happening and you may not have tried to take the baby on a walk around the neighborhood in a stroller. Or just go get a coffee when our partner lets you have a few minutes to yourself. Find a mom group with similar interests and children around the same age. Just being able to vent and swap stories is amazing for clearing the air of any anxieties or stressful events that happened recently
Don't let friendships slide.
If you are struggling with finding your new normal, it can be easy to get stuck in your own headspace. Make sure you reach out and maintain those social connections. Yes, you have to take care of a precious, helpless little one, but make sure to take some me-time.
Also, there are often support groups within a community for new mothers, especially if you are struggling with nursing. Reach out to your doctor to get more info if you aren't able to locate these yourself, but large hospital systems often offer free classes or support groups.
Finally, social media, especially Facebook has tons of groups you can join in your area to find new friends going through some of the same things you are. They may have tips or tricks for your area or know where the action is at to get you and your little one out of the house.
4. Make sure you are staying physically active
Scientifically speaking, the more you move the for feel doof hormones are released into your body
5. Set goals that help your personal and family growth
Before kids, I’m sure you had plans, went out, worked hard, and played hard (or at least some of the time, even if it was to watch the most recent episode of The Witcher)
Do something new, well, several new things for yourself and as a family!
Maybe you need a little extra stimulation or inspiration when you are pondering the meaning of the universe now that it may seem slightly askew.
I started by joining a book club to help in this area. Not only does this give me a routine (aka relaxing me-time in the evening to get a chapter in), but provides occasional social time to check in with your friends (and decide whether or not you agree the book was rubbish).
This may not be your style, and you just need to get out and get active!
Finding ways of being active yet engaged and supportive of your new family dynamic can be tough. It took a while, but my family now goes on several camping excursions throughout the year, often with friends. These types of outdoor activities are a great escape from city life, help you build skills in coordinating fun yet complex activities, and keep you engaged with others.
